Should Old Acquaintance Be Fogot

Ah, New Years.  What a time.  There is always a small sense of relief when New Years rolls around and the Christmas season ends.  I love Christmas, don’t misunderstand, but there is so much to Christmas.  What should be a simple holiday focusing on Christ, has turned into something that stresses people out and overshadows the true meaning.  So, for me, when the New Year starts I always have a feeling of calm wash over me.  Its a chance to start over, a new year to be better.  I have so many things I want to improve on this year.  2016 wasn’t great for me personally.  It has nothing to do with the election, or celebrity’s that I have never met dying, it was just a rough year as far as my personal life went.  But, as hard as it was, I learned a lot.  I learned that you should rely on yourself before you rely on anyone else.  I learned that I could be by myself and not be lonely.  I learned that the Atonement is real, and that is completely on you to use it, and to not take advantage of it. I also realized a few things.  One of them being that I would really like to get married.  Even typing it I feel a little pathetic.  Mostly, I really want a family.  I want little people that I can raise and teach and learn from.  I want to have a family that I can take pride in, and put all of my love and energy towards.  I’m ready to get married and start a family.  I also realized that girls who get married take pride in themselves.  This is not something I have ever been very good at. I tend to roll out bed, and it isn’t very professional or attractive.  I have always prided myself on being ‘low maintenance’ and I thought that boys would like that about me.  Then I realized that the girls who are married to nice, good looking guys are the girls who put thought into how they look, and try to look their best at all times.

My New Years resolutions are pretty simple.  I’m not even sure I would call them resolutions as much as a realization that I need to be better.

Resolutions:

  1. Wake up early.
  2. Be active again, and don’t only eat chocolate.
  3. Date myself.
  4. Date boys.
  5. Meet more people.
  6. Always look my best.
  7. Be more attune to the spirit, so that I can serve those around me.
  8. Pass my insurance exam.
  9. Keep my car and room clean.
  10. Meet my husband.

That last one is pretty big, and I’d really be happy just to date someone seriously for the first time, but, shoot for the stars right?

There it is.  Ten simple resolutions.  I think I can do them.  Someone recently told me that there are 168 hours in a week.  I work 30 hours a week, and sleep usually around 50 hours.  That’s only 80 hours out of 168.  What am I doing with the rest of my time?  Well, I know what I am going to do now.  And in the end, should old acquaintance be forgot, and never thought upon,

good.

 

 

Soulmates; Heartbreak.

Today started pretty normal.  I got up, had breakfast, and went to work.  When I get to work, I have a system that I always fallow.  While I’m doing the daily downloads, I check my email, Facebook and Instagram.  Nothing out of the usual, as I checked my email and deleted junk mail.  Nothing out of the ordinary as I checked Facebook and read the local gossip on my towns official page.  And then I got on Instagram.  I don’t have Instagram on my phone, and I really only check it for one reason.  To look up Jenna Goode everyday.  And everyday that I check her, I hold my breath ready for the punch in the gut that will surely come.  And today it was a much harder punch than usual.  Today I got on to see that Jenna Goode has announced that she is engaged to the boy that I have been in love with since I was 18 years old.

I have never met Jenna Goode, but I hate her.  To understand, we have to go back almost four years exactly.  When I was 18, my little sister and I went to a concert.  At this concert we met two boys.  Parker Green and Jace Larson.  They were funny, and cute, and pretty much everything you could imagine in your dream boy you meet at a concert.  The whole night was amazing, we danced with them and laughed and I fell completely in love with Parker.  Everything about him encompassed what I wanted and I couldn’t stop thinking about him.  We friended each other on Facebook and kept in touch through posts.  That summer he got called on his mission and left, so I kept up with how he was doing on the blog where his mom would post his emails.

At the time, I was working at a UPS store and one day a women came in sending a package to the same place he was serving his mission.  I, of course, looked at addresses, not names when I was at work, so seeing the address, I said ‘I know a boy serving his mission here’ she replied with an excited ‘you do?’ I nodded and said ‘his name is Parker Green’  ‘that’s my nephew!’ she exclaimed.  I looked down at the name and realized I was holding a package for the one and only Parker Green, coming to him from his aunt.  I couldn’t believe the coincidence.  What a small world, Parker lived more than hour away from here, and yet here was this connection.  His aunt continued to come in and give me updates on Parker, and I can’t lie, I started to feel like this was some sort of sign.  Parker and I were meant to be together and the universe was pulling us together with small connections like this.

When Parker got home two years later, we were both at school in the same city.  Different schools, but same vicinity.  The first time I saw Parker after his mission was at the exact same place I had seen him the very first time.  The same concert venue where we had met almost exactly three years before.  My heart stopped.  I couldn’t think of what to say to him all I knew was that I had to say something and then….. I saw he had a girl with him.  I froze.  Every insecurity I had come rushing to the surface.  This girl he was with was tall, and blonde, and fit, and beautiful.  I still remember what she was wearing.  A white shirt.  I have never in my life been able to pull off a white shirt and here is this beautiful girl, with my dream guy, pulling off a white shirt.  I couldn’t talk to him.  The only interaction we had was when I tried to pretend to take a picture of my friend that was actually a picture of him to send to my sister.  He asked if he was in the picture, because he had got blasted with the flash.  So many things could have happened in that moment.  I could have not been an idiot for once in my life and jumped into a conversation.  But instead I mumble something like ‘only a little’.   Oh, what I would give to have that day back.

Parker and I continued to see each other all over the place.  Once again, I felt like the universe was pulling us together.  But, Parker was always dating.  I was friends with him on Facebook, so I saw it every time a girl he went out with posted a picture from their dates.  Every girl he went out with was so much….. MORE than me.  My insecurities rendered me useless and I found myself hiding from his gaze every time we were in the same vicinity.  I wanted so badly for something to happen between us, and yet I felt like I was stopping myself from getting anywhere.

After Christmas I moved home.  I was so poor and I had no choice.  Not long after I had moved home, did a new girl post a picture with Parker.  Every time a girl posted with him the knot in my stomach got a little tighter, but so far no one had posted twice with him which gave me hope.  I looked at the picture, and once again felt like it was a sign, because their picture was in the exact same place I had been that very night.  We must have just missed each other, and I felt the universe again.  But then about a month later, another picture was posted.  All of sudden Jenna Goode didn’t seem like no big deal anymore.  Slowly, more pictures got posted.  Parker changed his profile picture to one of the two of them together.  I found Jenna’s Instagram and felt sick with what I saw.  Almost every picture was her and Parker.  All I could do was watch as this girl and my guy got more and more serious.  I would find myself panicking, trying to think of someway to stop it.  Other days I told myself that I was over him, and it didn’t matter who he was with.  Some days I told myself I hated him, because he was the dumb one to not go after me.  One day, I deleted him as a friend on Facebook, thinking that if I wasn’t seeing updates on his life, I wouldn’t think about him.  I was wrong obviously.  I have dreams about him all the time.  Once, when I told myself I was completely over him, and that I liked someone else, I had a dream about him.  I was with the boy I liked and he had told me that he liked me.  We where getting ready to leave, when Parker showed up.  He looked at me and said ‘I love you’ and without even a second thought, I left the other boy behind to be with Parker.  When I woke up, I realized that no matter what I told myself, or if I was dating someone else, if Parker said he wanted me, I would choose him.

I check Jenna’s Instagram everyday, and I’ve know for awhile now it was coming, I knew they would get engaged.  But when I opened it today, and I saw the picture of her ring….. I think I felt my heart break.

I don’t know Jenna Goode, but from everything I’ve seen on social media, I wouldn’t like her anyway.  The captions on her pictures, the clothes she wears, everything about her is so opposite of me.  Even her ring is something I would never, ever choose.  And I keep telling myself that if Parker can love someone like her, then there is no way we were meant to be.  Somehow that doesn’t make it any easier.

I don’t know Jenna Goode, but I hate her.  I’m also jealous of her.  And I wish I could understand why she gets the life that was supposed to be mine.

I don’t know Jenna Goode, but I hate her.

But Parker doesn’t.

Habitual Sleeplessness.

Insomnia has been a real, very dark cloud over my life.  Its so much more than not being able to sleep.  Its this constant feeling of being so tired all of the time, and not being able to put a stop to it.  Its laying in bed with your eyes closed and feeling the exact same way as you did with your eyes open.  Its covering up the dark circles under your eyes so you don’t look crazy.  Sometimes, it feels like insomnia is me.

When I was little, I didn’t sleep very well.  I had what one would call an active imagination.  I would lay in bed at night and play out these stories in my mind.  All about princess being saved by handsome princes, and evil wizards trying to take their kingdoms.  I got a little older and started reading books about it instead.  I would stay up into the late hours of night, reading books like Harry Potter and Fablehaven.  It wasn’t really a problem that I didn’t sleep very well, because I had something to feel the time.  Then I got into High School.  I hated High School.  To say I was miserable was an understatement.  I was stuck in a place filled with people who seemed so much happier then me everyday.  People who were so much prettier than I was, and who got asked out on dates.  People who could drive wherever they wanted and do whatever they wanted.  People with friends who went and did things without a care in the world.  I was so far from those people I was practically on another planet.  I was not pretty.  I was overweight and didn’t know how to do my hair.  I didn’t get asked out on a single date in High School.  I didn’t get my licence until after I had graduated.  The freedom to go where ever I wanted wasn’t one that I had.  My friends chose boys over me every time.  I didn’t know what it meant to go and do fun things without a care in the world.  And to top it all off, I barley understood anything in my classes.  I excelled at English and Psychology, but Math was a whole other story.  School was so hard for me, and my parents were constantly yelling at me and digging at me and reminding me of how much of a disappointment I was in every aspect of my life.  I was under constant stress, without a moment of relief.  This resulted in close to no sleep.  There were nights where I was lucky to get one hour of sleep before having to pull myself out of bed and go to that place that I hated so much.  When I finally graduated High School, it didn’t stop.  I still felt the weight of how pathetic I was, and though I no longer had to worry about school, I was still shouldered with this immense feeling of being a disappointment.  Not sleeping became the norm.  My friends nicknamed me insomniac, everyone just understood that I didn’t sleep.  I had about a year and half when it stopped.  The stress was no longer there, due to many different elements, and it was amazing.

Recently, the insomnia has returned.  I’m not sure why, I defiantly find myself stressed again, but nothing compared to High School.  I had forgotten how awful it felt.  How terrible it is to lie in bed, a million different thoughts running through your head, and not being able to reach sleep.  Habitual sleeplessness.  Insomnia.  Sometimes I feel like it is me.

Sane is Boring.

Yesterday, I almost did something crazy.  I’m not over exaggerating, this was straight up, lost your mind, psych ward, crazy.  I almost hurt someone, it such a deceitful, slimy way, and I would have gone through with it, if I hadn’t called my sister just to check and make sure that I could’t go through with it.  She, in true Ali style, asked me if I had lost my mind and told me to stop what I was doing or she would tell everyone.  Once I heard someone else confirm that what I was doing was so, so wrong, my mind cleared and I was overcome with panic.

It turns out, I’m a little crazy.

Recently, some people that I cared about, hurt me.  It was strange, actually, the realization that comes when the people who you thought were your best friends, turn out to not care about you very much.  I woke up the next day, remembering how awful the night before had been, and something just kind of…. snapped.  I wanted them to feel as terrible as I felt.  I started thinking of revenge plans, how I could hurt each of them the most.  I know these people pretty well, considering I thought we were best friends.  And I knew exactly how to get at their weaknesses.  It was only after I had half way succeed in one of my plans, that I took a step back.  I didn’t go through with it, and I don’t plan to go through with any of the others, but one thing is really getting to me.   I’m a little crazy.  It scares me how easy it was to get to the point that I had.  It would have been just as easy to finish it.  Every plan I had for each of these people, they were mean, and cruel, and I wanted to do it.  I wanted them to feel as badly as I had when I woke up that morning after they broke my heart.  And that’s what makes me wonder, was I crazy or had I been driven crazy?

So many things scared me about the whole situation with these people, but the number one thing was loneliness.  The thought of sitting home alone, or sitting at church alone, or going to activities alone, scared me.  It still kind of scares me.  I miss them.  I don’t want to forget how awful they made me feel, and I don’t want to be apart of them anymore, but I do miss them.  I miss having someone to do things with and having a group chat that you are always talking in.  I suppose you could say that I miss the thought of them, but not actually them.

They know they hurt me.  I left both of the group chats that we have, I haven’t spoken to any of them, and yet nothing.  They don’t care that I’m not apart of their lives, and it makes me think that they never did.  As big of a piece of my life they were, I wasn’t that for them.  It turns out I was disposable.  They’ll get a new brunette for the group and forget I was even there.  And I think that’s what drove me crazy.  I feel everything, and they don’t feel anything.

I’m better off.  I know that.  Knowing something doesn’t always make a situation easier though.  It won’t make me any less lonely on the weekends when I’m alone, and it won’t make me any less sad when I think about how much I cared about them.  In the long run, though, I know its whats best.  I don’t think that I’m crazy, but I do think that I was driven a little crazy.  It happens to everyone and that’s okay.  Besides,

Sane is Boring.

Paralyzing Fear.

I can honestly say I am a victim to fear. Although, its a different kind of fear then monster under my bed, is someone hiding in the back of my car fear.  I am incredibly, ridiculously afraid of the future. I’m afraid of getting married and having kids.  I’m afraid of not getting married and not having kids.  I’m afraid of a future where electronics control everyday life.  Where things that I know are wrong are seen by the media as right.  I’m so afraid everyday that no one will ever love me. I’m afraid that I won’t have a happy ending, and when I’m forty years old, I’ll be so disappointed in my life that I stop believing in good.  I’m afraid that if tomorrow I died, less then twenty people would care.  I’m afraid I’ll never be an author.  That no one will ever know my name.  That no one will ever really know me. I’m afraid I’ll never get to really tell people what I think of them.  I’m afraid that I am holding myself back in life by letting fear overpower me.  I am paralyzed with fear.  And trying not to be afraid is like trying to find a black cat in the dark.  Someone, please, give me a flashlight.

What she said.

Anne Lamott said “You own everything that happened to you.  Tell your stories.  If people wanted to write warmly about them, then they should have behaved better.” I think Anne Lamott is right.  Flannery O’Connor said “Nothing needs to happen to a writer’s life after they are 20. By then they’ve experienced more than enough to last their creative life.”  I do not think that Flannery O’Connor is right.  At least I’m hoping that she’s not.  I am a 20-year-old writer and if I am supposed to have enough experience to last me my creative life, I am screwed.  And so is my writing career.  So, I am going to sit at Anne’s table.  I’m going to explore a little bit and see what is waiting to be found.  I am going to tell my stories, and I am going to write and I am going to write and then I am going to write some more.  And when I’m all done with that hopefully I can look back and marvel at the simple life that I lived before I turned 20.